RELATIONSHIP AND MARITAL
COUNSELING
By Licia Ginne, LMFT
What makes couples counseling
successful? In my experience couple's who are willing to take
risks, try new behaviors and invest time and energy increase
their changes for success. Learning how to communicate and
problem resolve provide the foundation but time and energy
are essential for lasting change.
Couples often wait until the problem has reached the breaking
point before they reach out for help. They keep hoping things
will get better on their own and usually the anger and resentment
have created an even deeper divide. By the time they seek
help they are frustrated, hopeless, isolated and often so
exhausted they have a hard time reinvesting in the relationship.
If you find areas of concern in your relationship try and
address them as they come up but don' t wait until it reaches
a crisis.
The goal of couple’s therapy is to have a safe and
protective environment where you can understand your differences
and sameness, learn how to communicate and find options for
problem solving. To learn acceptance and tolerance of our
differences, to offer compassion and
understanding, how to set boundaries and say yes or no.
I believe the best predictor for
how successful a relationship can be is how strong your communication
skills are. We can survive disappointments when we have an
open arena for discussion, comfort and support.
Couple's or marriage counseling is the same as individual
psychotherapy in that it requires thought, insight and understanding.
While doing couples therapy we may find ourselves uncomfortable,
frustrated with not knowing how to express our needs and wants
and struggling to find a balance. What we learn is
how to tolerate our feelings, our partners feelings, how to
identify wants and needs and how best to respond to requests.
We learn how to communicate, how to listen and how to help
our partner listen. It works best if you can let your partner
know what kind of listening stance you'd like them to take;
I am going to tell you something and I'd like you to listen,
offer advice, sympathy, compassion, take my side, help me
plan a response or problem solve.
Most of us grew up with the notion that everybody does everything
the same way, as if there is a right way for everything. I
think most of us are surprised when we realize our partner
doesn't do everything the same. It could be as simple as in
your family the dinner dishes were done right after eating
and you can’t understand why your partner wants to sit
and rest before cleaning up. In working with couples who have
very different financial styles; one believes you pay the
bill the minute you receive it and the other feels it’s
ok to get a warning notice from the company before you pay.
You see one person very anxious about the bill and the other
not understanding why the anxious one is causing more stress.
In my work with couples, I have offered the view
that there is a business side to any relationship and a romantic
side. None of us were taught how to run a relationship.
Like a business you need regular staff meetings to discuss
problems, investments, set goals, set appointments and evaluate
progress. I suggest that if you need to discuss business like
matters set aside time for the discussion don't mix it with
a night out. Your focus on the problem is diluted and you
could ruin a lovely dinner date with tension or unresolved
problems.
When you separate romance from business you can focus on
intimacy, companionship and family matters during your romantic
time. Dates need to be made and time set aside for developing
your relationship. All relationships require an ongoing investment
of time and energy.
When was the last time you asked your partner out
for a date? |