Ask LA Therapists

Your article is great [adults abused as children], but what do I do as spouse who is married to someone who has gone through multiple forms of trauma? We or at least I understand what has happened to my wife and why she is acting the way she is and there is allot of information about that on the web and in books, but how do I stand by my wife in her journey to recover, before it is too late for our marriage. Can you suggest any good books or websites to read and to learn from so I don't create more problems for my wife? It would be great to have more tools for the spouse's of trauma people.

Thank you for your email. Being in relationship with someone with a severe abuse history can require a lot of patience.I say patience because usually the abuse victim has been acting out for awhile prior to starting their journey of recovery. The significant other often is hopeful that the help will come quickly and without further disruption. Recovery from abuse can take a bit of time and should not be rushed. Hopefully what you see are markers of change along the road that sustain your relationship. Since I don't know what you are currently doing I would recommend you both be in therapy, maybe have some couples therapy, even though alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics the principles are the important thing and the work is about setting boundaries and taking care of yourself and you can also look into codependency meetings and there are many books on codependency. Pia Mellody's book "Facing Codependency" talks a lot about the issues of abuse, which you might find helpful. You can find the book listed in my resources.
Take care,
Licia

Dear Licia,

I have been in therapy for several months and feel that my therapist is critical of me, often telling me what I should do. I feel at times like she becomes impatient with me and wants me to move on and resolve my issue. I feel stuck and have been feeling stuck in my life in general. I don't know if I should look for a new therapist or maybe I am not a good candidate for therapy and should just learn to live with my disappointments.

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

I would first go back to your therapist and share with her all your concerns. I have found a good therapist will be able to take in your concerns and criticisms and the two of you can explore your expectations and what the therapist was doing that you made you feel like you were disappointing them. If your therapist is not able to talk with you about your concerns or places the blame on you, then I would consider looking for a new therapist once you have given this therapist an opportunity to try and resolve the disconnect you two are having. Finding a therapist that feels like a good fit often takes some time and we are not always a good fit for everyone. Someone may like working with me and we form a good working relationship and others may not. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either person. There are many articles written about fit between therapist and client, so what you are talking about is not new. I don't believe you are a hopeless case who should resign themselves to a life of disappointments. Continue your search for a therapist, I myself have had therapists that were not a good fit and it took me awhile to realize it and then I asked around and found another. Keep me posted on how it goes.

Dear Licia,

I am not sure how to find a psychotherapist. I have been reading articles and books and have come to the conclusion that my whole life is dedicated to what others want and/or need. This doesn't make me happy and yet I continue to do it. I did this in my last relationship, but in the end nothing I did - even giving him everything he wanted, worked to keep the relationship together. I feel so abandoned and alone and I realize I have been dealing with these issues for all of my adult life. I always feel alone and that I have to help everyone around me. I feel unvalued and I feel like I disrespect myself and allow others to disrespect me. I don't know what to do to fix myself , I don't know anyone who goes to therapy so don't know who to ask for help. Are all therapists the same for dealing with this type of situation?

I need help - Los Angeles

Dear I need help

Writing me was a great place to start. There are different kinds of therapy and different beliefs about how to help someone. I would first start with some basics and think of how you will pay for therapy. Do you have medical insurance? Does it pay for out-patient mental health? you can call your insurance company and ask them and if cost is important you can ask them for referrals in your network. If you want to write me back and let me know then I can be more specific in offering you referrals. Call the referrals and see if they will spend a few minutes talking with you on the phone, tell them about your situation. After the phone call ask yourself if you felt you were understood and if they have worked with other people going through a similar situation. Now that you have a good background from your reading now is the time to meet with a therapist and form a working relationship so you can learn more about your value, understand what frightens you into taking care of others before yourself. When you work with a therapist who understands family history and trauma you will learn about the connections between your current behaviors and beliefs you were taught in your family.

Good luck and let me know if I can offer you more specific direction or referrals. Let me know how the search goes.

Dear Licia,

A good friend of mine keeps getting her heart broken by the same guy. She tells me that she loves him and goes back to him. He drinks too much and doesn't’t seem to consider her feelings. I’d like to help my friend, what should I do?

Linda- Silver Lake

Dear Linda:

Your friend is lucky to have you in her life. I am sure you have told her how important your friendship is and how it hurts you to watch her be hurt. You could suggest to her that she see a psychotherapist for some help and insight in understanding why she loves someone who doesn't’t treat her with the respect and care that she deserves. You could also consider going to an Al anon meeting with her: a support group (12-step meeting) for people involved with alcoholics, but it is also a terrific support group for those in relationship with any kind of addict or abusive relationship. Maybe you could help her with research on alcohol abuse. The sad part is you can only do so much for your friend and than you have to figure out how this will fit in your life. Sometimes people are not ready to make changes and you can’t make them.

Let me know how it goes.

Dear Licia,

Rob and I have been together for several years, my problem is that he doesn't’t know how to clean up after himself. Prior to our living together he had someone else clean up for him and I am tired of fighting over the same ole thing.

William– Los Angeles

Dear William:

Nothing ruins the romance more than having to become someone’s nagging mother, neither of you like it. There are two parts to a marriage or partnership, the romantic side and the business side. Businesses have regular operations meetings to discuss problems, set direction and make general assessments of the mechanics of the company. It may not seem glamorous but relationships need this same kind of attention. We have all been brainwashed by movies and television to believe that we all have the same understanding as to how this side of the relationship works; the non-sexy maintenance of a partnership.

I would set aside time on a regular basis, (once a week, once every two weeks for just a couple of hours). In the beginning I would err on the side of making the meetings more often, especially when there may be more topics to discuss. This has always been one of the benefits of couples psychotherapy, that time is always set aside.

Use the fair fighting rules as guidelines for your discussion. Instead of just calling Rob a slob, you need to tell him how it makes you feel, i.e. angry, sad, frustrated, ignored, unloved, alone, etc. in the relationship. It is harder to fight over how you feel than who did or didn't’t do what. He may also see that if he does pick up after himself your mood is better at home and the relationship is less stressful.

Negotiate the outcome. Each of you probably has things he wants the other to do; now’s the time to see if you can make a trade. He may never be able to pick up after himself, but he may be willing to do something else around the house for you that feels reciprocal. Maybe Rob pays for a house cleaner to come in.

Think out side of the box. Come up with lots of options, even the ones that seem ridiculous, it seems if you leave them all there for a minute it gives the feeling that this problem is solvable.