Dear Licia,

I am not sure how to find a psychotherapist. I have been reading articles and books and have come to the conclusion that my whole life is dedicated to what others want and/or need. This doesn't make me happy and yet I continue to do it. I did this in my last relationship, but in the end nothing I did - even giving him everything he wanted, worked to keep the relationship together. I feel so abandoned and alone and I realize I have been dealing with these issues for all of my adult life. I always feel alone and that I have to help everyone around me. I feel unvalued and I feel like I disrespect myself and allow others to disrespect me. I don't know what to do to fix myself , I don't know anyone who goes to therapy so don't know who to ask for help. Are all therapists the same for dealing with this type of situation?

I need help - Los Angeles

Dear I need help

Writing me was a great place to start. There are different kinds of therapy and different beliefs about how to help someone. I would first start with some basics and think of how you will pay for therapy. Do you have medical insurance? Does it pay for out-patient mental health? you can call your insurance company and ask them and if cost is important you can ask them for referrals in your network. If you want to write me back and let me know then I can be more specific in offering you referrals. Call the referrals and see if they will spend a few minutes talking with you on the phone, tell them about your situation. After the phone call ask yourself if you felt you were understood and if they have worked with other people going through a similar situation. Now that you have a good background from your reading now is the time to meet with a therapist and form a working relationship so you can learn more about your value, understand what frightens you into taking care of others before yourself. When you work with a therapist who understands family history and trauma you will learn about the connections between your current behaviors and beliefs you were taught in your family.

Good luck and let me know if I can offer you more specific direction or referrals. Let me know how the search goes.

Dear Licia,

A good friend of mine keeps getting her heart broken by the same guy. She tells me that she loves him and goes back to him. He drinks too much and doesn’t seem to consider her feelings. I’d like to help my friend, what should I do?

Linda- Silver Lake

Dear Linda:

Your friend is lucky to have you in her life. I am sure you have told her how important your friendship is and how it hurts you to watch her be hurt. You could suggest to her that she see a psychotherapist for some help and insight in understanding why she loves someone who doesn’t treat her with the respect and care that she deserves. You could also consider going to an Al anon meeting with her: a support group (12-step meeting) for people involved with alcoholics, but it is also a terrific support group for those in relationship with any kind of addict or abusive relationship. Maybe you could help her with research on alcohol abuse. The sad part is you can only do so much for your friend and than you have to figure out how this will fit in your life. Sometimes people are not ready to make changes and you can’t make them.

Let me know how it goes.

Dear Licia,

Rob and I have been together for several years, my problem is that he doesn’t know how to clean up after himself. Prior to our living together he had someone else clean up for him and I am tired of fighting over the same ole thing.

William– Los Angeles

Dear William:

Nothing ruins the romance more than having to become someone’s nagging mother, neither of you like it. There are two parts to a marriage or partnership, the romantic side and the business side. Businesses have regular operations meetings to discuss problems, set direction and make general assessments of the mechanics of the company. It may not seem glamorous but relationships need this same kind of attention. We have all been brainwashed by movies and television to believe that we all have the same understanding as to how this side of the relationship works; the non-sexy maintenance of a partnership.

I would set aside time on a regular basis, (once a week, once every two weeks for just a couple of hours). In the beginning I would err on the side of making the meetings more often, especially when there may be more topics to discuss. This has always been one of the benefits of couples psychotherapy, that time is always set aside.

Use the fair fighting rules as guidelines for your discussion. Instead of just calling Rob a slob, you need to tell him how it makes you feel, i.e. angry, sad, frustrated, ignored, unloved, alone, etc. in the relationship. It is harder to fight over how you feel than who did or didn’t do what. He may also see that if he does pick up after himself your mood is better at home and the relationship is less stressful.

Negotiate the outcome. Each of you probably has things he wants the other to do; now’s the time to see if you can make a trade. He may never be able to pick up after himself, but he may be willing to do something else around the house for you that feels reciprocal. Maybe Rob pays for a house cleaner to come in.

Think out side of the box. Come up with lots of options, even the ones that seem ridiculous, it seems if you leave them all there for a minute it gives the feeling that this problem is solvable.