Are You Codependent?
By Licia Ginne, LMFT
Codependency is a word that has lost some of its original
meaning from overuse. Codependency originated in the recovery
movement and was used to describe the behaviors of people who
were in a relationship with an alcoholic or substance abuser.
Codependency has come to mean addiction to relationships, relationships
that do not have healthy boundaries and relationships where
the codependent has not been able to protect themselves.
Over the years, however, codependency has expanded into a
definition that describes a dysfunctional pattern of living
and problem solving, developed during childhood by dysfunctional
family rules. These families suffer from poor boundaries (to
understand these boundaries
and definitions of abuse) and
produce adults who have been abused as children. This abuse
may come in the form of neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse,
verbal abuse and/or emotional abuse. Abuse will be have found
in families who suffer from mental health issues, problems
with addictions and compulsivity, in families where for whatever
reason parents don’t have time for children, and in
families where the parents were abused as children.
Pia Melody in her book, Facing Codependency, defines the Five
Core Symptoms of Codependence:
• Having low self-esteem
• Difficulty setting boundaries
• Knowing yourself, knowing what you want
• Taking care of adult needs and wants
• Difficulty experiencing and expressing reality moderately.
When we live in painful families, we find ways of adapting
so we can survive. You couldn’t wake up each day and
say “This is hell”; you have to go into some type
of denial to survive. Those tools we used to adapt were the
tools available to children and as adults we may find that
we still rely upon them and they are not adequate. Remember:
as a child your choices are limited. They are pretty much limited
to your brain. Fantasy or future thinking are the tools of
children. “How can I think about what is happening to
me in a way that I don’t feel like a victim?” Children
blame themselves for the problem: “If I were better than
this problem wouldn’t be happening.” “If
I brought more joy to my family than they wouldn’t be
so unhappy.” To feel that it is our parents makes us
feel helpless and hopeless -- we can’t make anyone else
do anything they don’t want to do, unless by coercive
measures. So to feel a sense of mastery in the world, we become
the problem. “This is something I can work on and fix.
I can change me and I can't change them.” But we constantly
fail because we are not the problem.
Psychotherapy has been a good setting for learning that you
are not the problem. It can be a good environment for learning
how you became codependent and how to put yourself first. How
to grow, develop insight and understanding so you will have
more options for living.
As we grow our tools for protecting ourselves should grow,
but remember we must be taught coping and problem solving
skills. Without this education we still use the tools our
child’s mind came up with and often continue to blame
ourselves for other peoples behaviors. As adults we need to
expand our resources, we have not been taught good problem
solving skills or good self care.
Recovery from codependency is learning how to meet and identify
our own needs ,if we don't take care of ourselves we can't
be there for someone else. We learn how to protect ourselves
with healthy boundaries. We learn that we view the world through
a set of beliefs that came out of our families and our parents
were limited with what they could teach us.. To recover, we
learn healthy ways of communicating,we learn to honor and
respect our needs and wants and the needs and wants of others.
We learn what a reciprocal relationship is and how we deserve
to be in them. We learn how to problem-solve and look for
the win-win solutions. How to set health boundaries, how to
compromise and accept others limitations and not take it personally.
We learn to tolerate differences and know there is not always
one way to do something. We learn we are not damaged and doomed
to repeat the same mistakes. We discover our self-worth and
self-esteem. We learn that we are loveable. |