Sex Addiction
Of course with all the news of Jesse James & Tiger Woods
and of course Dr. Drew Pinksy’s new Celebrity Sex Rehab
show, the question most often asked is, Is there such a thing
as sexual addiction? As I have stated in other articles addiction
is a complex issue. People find themselves doing behaviors,
which they feel great shame and remorse about. The traditional
definition of addiction has always been connected with physical
addiction and withdrawal. But what kind of withdrawal comes
from a process, like sex or food, not drugs or alcohol? If
you did watch Dr. Pinksy’s Sexual Addiction treatment
you saw many of the behaviors of withdrawal that you would
see in a drug and alcohol treatment program. The emotional
withdrawal comes with the loss of what was comforting; despair,
anxiety, depression, and panic at times. A big part of addiction
is the relief from feelings that people don’t know how
to manage or regulate. When you are not taught or modeled
how to express your emotions or feelings you believe feelings
are a weakness and a sign you have failed as a human being.
To be human is to feel, to feel is not always comfortable
and not a sign of failure but a sign of strength to be able
to endure the discomfort that comes with living life. When
we don’t allow ourselves to have feelings we usually
find ways to disconnect from ourselves. This can be done with
drugs, alcohol, sex, or just shutting down withdrawing into
ourselves and not letting others in.
In the years that I have worked with people who have sexual
problems or addictions I have found the understanding of the
emotion beneath the behavior and learning how to be vulnerable
and form relationships where you can be present and engaged
will reduce the sexual acting out or what other form of emotional
medication they are using.
Some Characteristics of Sex Addiction
The sex is shameful. The addict feels shame about
what he or she is doing, or more accurately, about what he
or she has done, usually immediately after engaging in sex
acts that violate some of the person's standards. Or the shame
may be denied by calling it normal for "a real man,"
or by focusing on others: "She wanted it," or by
engaging in it again right away so the shame is exchanged
for pleasure. Thus a married man may feel remorse after having
sex with his best friend's wife, rationalize that his friend
wasn't sexually satisfying her, and avoid going to bed with
his own wife afterward by staying up and masturbating while
watching a movie on the sex channel.
The sex is secret. The sex addict more and more comes
to live a double life--perhaps well-known, respected and admired
in his visible life but secretly engaging regularly in sexual
acts that would be shocking to those who know and love him.
So a sexually addicted minister could be revered on Sunday
morning for preaching on the sinfulness of adultery and fornication
and then engage in those behaviors himself at a modeling studio
or adult bookstore on Monday afternoon, having told the church
staff or his family a lie about his whereabouts. Or a gay
man might tell his relationship partner that he is going to
visit a friend but goes to a park to cruise for anonymous
sex instead.
The sexual behavior is abusive. It violates someone
else's choice or exceeds their understanding. There is the
man who manipulates or coerces his date into being sexual
with him; the woman in a partially unbuttoned blouse who bends
down toward an unsuspecting male coworker and "accidentally"
exposes her whole breast; or the man who seeks out crowded
shopping malls so he can meander among the throng to "cop
a feel." Or adult men and women who manipulate the trust
of children and abuse their power over them by tricking them
into performing sexual acts with them. This is exemplified
by the teacher who becomes sexual with a student, a scandal
we've seen recently in the news, or the neighbor who hires
a boy to mow the lawn and then invites the child inside and
lures him into sex. The sex may also be abusive to the sex
addict him or herself, such as masturbating to the point of
physical injury or cutting or pinching oneself for sexual
arousal.
While at some time in their lives some people who are not
sex addicts may engage in one or more of the behaviors listed
below, it becomes sexual addiction when you can identify despair,
panic, remorse, compulsion, shame and guilt as feelings associated
with the behaviors
· Compulsive masturbation--accompanied
by mental images or thoughts about sex, or while viewing sexual
images on the TV or computer screen or while looking at pornographic
publications (or even while looking at non-sexual material,
such as underwear or swim wear ads).
· Compulsive sex with prostitutes--this
can be with female or male prostitutes or transvestites (transvestites
are usually men dressed as sexy women) at their place of business
or dispatched to your location or picked up on the street.
· Anonymous sex with multiple partners,
"one night stands" picked up at bars, or sex with
strangers in parks or restrooms, or sex in any number of anonymous
situations, where sex is the object and no relationship is
established with the person.
· Multiple affairs outside a committed relationship,
or serial relationships (one after the other).
· Frequent patronizing of topless bars,
modeling studios, sexually-oriented tanning salons, adult
bookstores or sexual massage establishments.
· Habitual exhibitionism--exposing
one's private body parts to unsuspecting onlookers, either
directly (by removing or opening clothing) or indirectly through
skimpy or revealing clothing. An example is the man who sits
in his car with his fly unzipped and begins masturbating when
someone appealing to him walks by.
· Habitual voyeurism--the so-called
"peeping Tom," who finds sexual excitement in forbidden
secret looks into other people's privacy. Examples are: looking
into a neighbor's bathroom or bedroom window in hopes of seeing
someone disrobed, peering up shorts or skirt, or looking through
"glory holes" in restroom walls (strategically located
holes in walls separating urinal or toilet stalls).
· Inappropriate sexual touching--touching
someone for sexual excitement in a manner that attempts to
appear accidental, such as "accidentally" brushing
up against another person's breast or genitals in a crowd.
· Repeated sexual abuse of children--an
adult who engages children in sexual activity, or an older
child who engages much younger children sexually.
· Episodes of rape--forcing another
person to be sexual against his or her will, like the obvious
assaultive rape by strangers one hears about in the media,
or the more subtle form perpetrated by someone known to the
victim (often called "date rape").
Sex Addiction and The Internet
The Internet has become the newest, most rapidly growing form
of sexual acting out for many sex addicts today. A lot of
sex addicts have added computer sex to their repertoire, as
it fills a need for "more, easier and better." For
the cybersex addict, increasing amounts of time are spent
"surfing," downloading, creating files, masturbating,
reading information posted on sexual bulletin boards, exchanging
sexual information live with others in sexual chat rooms or
via computer cameras, or directing their own live sex shows
on interactive sites--in short, looking for what's new, what's
better than last time. The Internet just happens to provide
many of the things sex addict's seek, all in one palce: isolation,
secrecy, fantasy material, endless variety, around-the-clock
availability, instant accessibility and a rapid means of returning,
low or no cost. (The cost factor can change, however, if the
sex addict keeps charging view-for-pay services on the internet,
such as live interaction with performers who follow the customer's
instructions for engaging in all kinds of prescribed sex acts
that the customer can watch and masturbate to.)
Since one of the characteristics of sexual addiction is that
it is progressive--that is, the habitual behaviors progressively
become more frequent, varied and extreme, with more frequent
and extreme consequences--sex addicts on the Internet often
experience a rapid progression of their addiction. The new
sexual thrills lead to spending huge amounts of time, moving
more quickly into more extreme behaviors, taking greater risks,
and getting caught more frequently. Thus, internet sex has
been referred to as the "crack cocaine" of sex addiction.
Actually, the sped-up progression of the sex addict's problem
via the internet can turn into a blessing, since it can move
the addict into the consequences more quickly that can cause
him or her to get help.
If You Are a Spouse or Partner of a Sex Addict
If you are in relationship with someone you think is sexually
addicted, your efforts to help may be actually adding to the
problem rather than achieving the results you desire. Sex
addicts usually wind up in relationships with partners who
unconsciously fit right into the addictive patterns. For example,
typically the sex addict keeps on returning again and again
to the sexually addictive behaviors and the partner accepts
what is going on, or overlooks clues that would suggest something
is wrong, or threatens to leave but doesn't (or leaves and
returns when the addict promises to change, only to learn
later the addict did not stop), or takes responsibility for
trying to control the addict's behavior. None of these strategies
work and actually add to the problem. What the partner has
to realize is that she or he needs help too in order to get
out of her or his own addictive habits. The partner will need
to learn how to stop enabling the sex addict and how to focus
on her/himself, and how to take stands or draw boundaries
that actually work.
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